I just painted my nails sparkly pink, and they look lovely. My hair is straightened and sleek, which I like. I’m five pounds lighter than I was a week ago, and I feel great. I bought a small piggy bank bisque at work to paint with colorful stripes and designs. A recent interest just got home yesterday, and I spent hours on the phone last night. Booty texts from a recent fling are in my inbox which will go unanswered. My outbox also contains more unanswered texts. The temperatures are cooler and the thought of August beginning tomorrow saddens me to realize that summer is officially ending very soon. I leave for work in a couple of hours, and I can’t wait to grab an iced coffee with 2% milk and hazelnut. I’ve been wanting more bitter than sweet lately. In the other room I hear my mother and father frustrated with each other because my dad is resistant and doesn’t understand that we are only here to help. These beaded bracelets on my left wrist make it hard to type, but I don’t mind. Nothing coherent is going on in my head. Just mixed thoughts strung together by a common-heartbreak thread that I can’t stop thinking about. I keep stringing on meaningless beaded thoughts in hopes to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. I’m resisting and fighting it at the same time. This is hard, and I’m exhausted talking about it with my friends and I’m exhausted thinking about it. I keep staring at myself in the mirror with a bewildered look: why are you so pathetically consumed with grief? I yell at myself: get over it! I am a wonderful faker. I can act as if nothing is wrong with me. And, I am. I bought a new brown satchel purse which I love. It’s big enough to fit my wonderful MBP in, and I went to Starbucks yesterday and used their AT&T WiFi. I’m sad to find out that my favorite Starbucks that’s been there for maybe seven or eight years is… gone. I deleted my Twitter, and I don’t think I will ever sign up again. When I first signed up years ago, I hardly used it. For the last year and a half I’ve been using it a lot more. I find twitter impersonal now. I had a lot of followers and a lot of friends on it. But my Twitter was public (which I want) so anyone can read about my life with hourly updates. And I find that a little impersonal. People I know and didn’t know knew what I was doing every day… it was an easy way out. If you want to know about me: call me, text me, write me. Don’t read my Twitter… especially if you don’t tweet. How unfair is that? You know about me, but I don’t know about you? No. For some reason, I don’t like that. And… I will never go back to Twitter. I love my new bra from Victoria Secret. It has pink lace and blue with white polka dots. I love colorful bras; wearing something sexy underneath makes me feel great.
Life.
My father has alzheimer’s. He was diagnosed a few years ago, and this past year he has gotten worst. He’s at the last level. Everyone makes the worst thing about alzheimer’s the forgetting of the people. I couldn’t care less if my father remembers me because I’d rather have him remember who he is, how to dress himself, how to lie down to sleep, and how to speak. He hasn’t remembered me for years, and I don’t even remember the last real conversation I had with him. There’s no cure and no positivity in this disease. You just live with it and you manage. It’s a sad disease. It only tears you apart.
I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me. And I have tried to find someone new, but I’m always thinking of him. I know this is a public blog, and I don’t know if he reads this or not. I’m unsure of a lot of things right now. But more importantly: I miss him. I miss hearing him sing on the phone, the way he orders his food, how he shows me everything he purchases, his favorite games, his stories. We knew each other; we understood each other and we knew the definition of every sigh we took. I have to let him go, and this only breaks my heart. He doesn’t want me, he wants her.
I am stuck. I am twenty-five and I haven’t even started a career. I want to so badly start something–be someone of significance. I sometimes find it hard to stand on my two feet, alone. I wish I had the confidence and the strength to make something of myself… because everyone believes in me more than I do. Everyone trusts me more than I trust myself. I wish I had my father and I wish I had my best friend. And I wish I had my Miko. I have lost so much in a year, and I am trying so hard to find that strength.
God is testing me.
Please be patient with me.
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I SPY: YUM!
I spy…
- An Orange
- Melon Soda
- 2 Glasses of Lemonade
- 2 SnoCones
- 2 Double Scoop Ice Cream Cones
- 3 Onigiri
- 3 Watermelon Slices
- 3 Kiwi Slices
- 5 Oreo Cookies
- 5 Dango
- 6 M&M Cookies
- 7 Popsicles
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The one with the stamp addiction.
I received a stamp carving kit for Christmas last year, and ever since I’ve bought three more rubber pads to carve. It’s so addicting! I still haven’t figured out how to glue a “backing” for the stamps, and I just keep carving, carving, and carving!
PS: I miss Brooklyn!
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Team Jacob.
Eclipse.
Wow.
Seriously my favorite of the three movies! I’m so going to see this a second time in theaters—I loved it that much! ^__^
And I’ve decided that I am Team Jacob. I love warmth (and he’s…hot), he’s a cutie, he is a wolf (which reminds me of my Miko), and he is in love with someone he can’t have… Team Jacob.. rooting for the under dog (literally, in love…).
PS: I really like the Twilight Saga, so please no negative comments. Thank you.
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Another Something Personal.
When I was younger, I knew that I wanted to be a teacher. In fact, I played the role of teacher every time my friends and I played “school”. I also wanted to be a model. Hah. I almost became a child model in Japan at the ripe old age of four with my twin brother, but my mom didn’t know how to get to Tokyo our first year living there. Quite oddly, I wanted to be a witch. I kind of still do, haha. I was one for Halloween three years in a row. I loved writing stories and illustrating vignettes of the characters. I loved the sound of high heels clickity-clacking on hard floors. I loved office supplies like carbon paper. I loved drawing and crafting. I was a dreamer, and I still am a dreamer. But at some point in life you have to wake up from your silly dreams and weed out the impossibilities.
I know that I love expensive things. I long for a Lexus SUV, diamond earrings, and a two-story condo by the beach in Santa Barbara. I want a successful job where I can vaca a couple times a year out of the country. I want expensive purses and a collection of high heels. I’m a girl… what can I say? And even though I do tend to keep dreaming this luxurious lifestyle, I’ll be happy with a mere one-story, three bedroom house, a Toyota Corolla, and a five-figure salary.
My dreams have changed. I never really wanted anything luxurious–it was just all a dream. Right now I dream of having a happy home, hosting cupcake dinner parties, having summer bbqs, and having a happy family. I dream of being successful and maintaining my own home well and comfortably. Even though I do love expensive things–in actuality, I just want to be happy with my accomplishments.
I dream of being happy.
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Something Personal.
I don’t really write anything personal publicly online, so this is a little hard to type (and not because of the Hello Kitty band aid on my right forefinger). But what I learn is that once you share something, you discover that you aren’t alone feeling this way. And even though a solution or reason is not found all the time, it’s comforting to know that you aren’t the only one.
If you ask me where my hometown is, I’ll look at you confused. You see, as a former Navy Brat, I lived and grew up all around the world. So essentially, Earth is my hometown. But who answers that question with ‘Earth’? It also confuses me how people can live in one area for their entire life. Why would you do that? Why would you stay? Why won’t you move? When I hear the obvious answers of comfort, home, and stability… it all makes sense. But, I still don’t understand why anyone can live without change. I’m quite the opposite: I welcome change.
However, there’s a kind of change I haven’t quite felt comfortable with… a type of change that can’t be healed. People change and feelings fade. What was once important is not. I know that there are some people we are meant to be bonded with our entire lives and there are some people we are meant to be bonded with for a part of our lives. I’m not used to the latter. In fact, I refuse to say good-bye; I refuse to let anyone go. But it isn’t fully my decision. It’s only partly.
It hurts to be let go.
It hurts to find out that forever wasn’t really forever.
I don’t know how to move on; I don’t know how to let go. And for that reason, I have a hard time of letting people in. I’ve had a thousand crushes I’ve instantly been attracted to, but the rare ones who feel the same way back makes me want to hold back. I’ve never been the one to fall in love first; I’ve never been the one to admit that I’ve fallen first. Not because I haven’t fallen because I’ve fallen before… it’s because I’m afraid to admit it; I’m afraid to completely fall in love if it isn’t forever.
I don’t know if it is because I’m too stubborn or if I have too many fears, but I don’t understand how some people can fall so easily. I don’t understand how some can let people in that fast.
I’m afraid to be in love again because I’m afraid of people changing.
There, I finally admitted it.
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Melody.
Whenever I need to calm down or blow off some steam, I always blast music. Music is such a powerful mood bender; music can stir up old emotions that were once gone, make you forget about the crap going around, and make you want to dance like everyone is watching you.
I’m not a singer. Haha. I am more of the girl in the band.
In fact.
I was in band.
I started playing in my school’s concert band in the sixth grade and continued until I graduated high school. I played a number of instruments such as the baritone sax and piano. However, I played the clarinet for six years. I haven’t touched it since I graduated high school and I doubt I remember enough to play a tune. I played songs from Danny Boy to David Holsinger. I absolutely loved band. It made my life feel so much better. Music really makes you feel better, when you let it.
Here are some of my favorite songs that I never get tired of listening. What are your favorites?
- Explosions in the Sky – Time Stops ……. (Actually anything by them.)
- The Narrative – Eyes Closed
- Alan Silvestri – Forest Gump Suite
- Death Cab – Transatlanticism
- Saves the Day – Nightingale
- Lydia – All I See …….. (And many more… )
- The Ataris – IOU One Galaxy
- Athlete – Street Map
- John Mayer – Comfortable
- Death Cab – The Ice is Getting Thinner
- Missy Higgins – Where I Stood
- The Temper Trap – Sweet Disposition
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I Love Handmade
